So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
