I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
