Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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