Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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