ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
