Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
