U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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