i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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