You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Even my vagina gasped.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
