can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
