Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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