found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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