I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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