Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
