I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Randomize
