yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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