I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
