Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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