you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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