Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
