Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
