Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
