god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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