They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
