she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
