Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
