It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
