You're my little dorito
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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