I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize