god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
