DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
