____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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