You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
