if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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