This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
