I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
