Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
