what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
