so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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