I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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