They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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