I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize