My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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