I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We left the knife in your bed.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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