You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize