I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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