If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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