Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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