Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
