Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize