I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
