My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can you bring me the toilet please
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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