Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
