WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I looked at my own cervix.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
