Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
