I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
