You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
